C’mon, you know m’ a coward. He thinks, because saying something like that out aloud is… something he doesn’t think he can do. Not really. He likes being secure in a job he knows how to do. And even if he isn’t killin’ anyone, he knows he’ll get a paycheck at the end of the month regardless of how much or how little he did. It was the easy route, sure, but it was also more or less safe. The whole ‘not dyin’ when you really should be’ thing was a big plus too.
"…Guess I don’t like change that much." He mumbles, for lack of his ability to voice his thoughts. "And, like I said, what would I even do? There’s nothin’ ‘round here fer miles n’ m’ pretty sure that villiage down there’s sus as fuck about this place. I doubt they’d be willin to hire someone livin’ up here. Even then, menial labour ain’t my thing.”
But it’s when the conversation turns to Etienne that he realises it might not have been the best thing to bring up. Then again, this wasn’t the first time Seithelm expressed distate for the subject. Meaning they probably wouldn’t really talk about it properly at all; between Deithelm’s reluctance and Destan’s anxiousness about it.
(But was it selfish of him to feel a little smug that the other guy wasn’t as important as him now? It was a shit thing to be feeling right now, and he sure as fuck knew it.)
When Deithelm starts to move, his lethargy moves aside and he finds his hand shooting out from the water to grab at the other’s wrist. Something about what he said sounded like finality, something like leaving the conversation where it stood but it seemed like that there was more to say. Wasn’t there?
“‘Where s’ right t’ be’? Whaddya mean right? M’ jus’ sayin’ what I feel.”
What was ‘right’? Was he implying something? (Probably not. Calm down.)
"….Y’ angry?" He asks, meekly this time, his grip slacking.
Warmth wraps around his cooling wrist and he can feel Destan’s need to keep him there. It causes him to stop in his tracks, water around him wavering and splishing gently around his thighs. His back is turned, though, so looking down at the water for a long moment is of little consequence.
Angry? I want you here with me. I want to wake up at night with you. I want to see you. I want you to maybe be in Ahmose’s life. I want…
He bites his lip, eyes closing tightly and he gently tugs his wrist from Destan’s grasp. But he remains standing there. He forcibly calms himself down, taking a breath and then sighing it out. He knows that if his thoughts are left unchecked, that he’ll spiral into hurt and frustration and probably storm off. Or worse.
"No. I’m not angry." He says finally.
What is it that Destan wants? It’s not the fact that he doesn’t want what Diethelm wants that bothers him. (Maybe it does.) But what bothers him is that Destan doesn’t know. He hides it under the guise of ‘work’ or ‘duty’. How to use one’s time. ’Time’ is irrelevant to Diethelm, so he doesn’t understand such things. ’Job’ is irrelevant.
"Right? Destan…" He begins in a low tone. "What is it that you want? You’ve been told who you are since day one. You’ve been told where to go, what to do, and how to do it in The Industries. Is that what you want? You haven’t tried other things. You haven’t seen the world outside of that." He turns back around now, and gazes down at the other man. "So how do you know what it is that you want?" He’s almost pleading in hopes the other will understand.
"You need to figure out where it feels right for you. Does staying, living, at The Industries feel right to you? Do you want to be there, Destan? Because I don’t want you to be there. I want you to be here, with me and…" His eyes drift to the water again, losing focus.
Am I just your occasional lover when you’re lonely? Or when you’re fed up with being at that infernal place? Do you have an idea of the future with me?
He sighs gently and bows his head, shaking it a moment later.
"What do you want?"
Yeah, he fucked up again. Yeesh, you think he’d learn.
The guy doesn’t even stop to look at him. And that’s kinda… probably not a good sign, right?
What does he want? Security? A place somewhere? Proof of his existence? For that gnawing hole in the back of his head to be plugged up for once? To be active and do something to leave his mark here?
Shit, he doesn’t know.
"I dunno." He admits, staring hard at the still turned figure before him. "I dunno what I want."
But I’m happy where I am right now. Choosing is too hard and will signify change and I don’t know if that change will end up being good or bad. What’ll hppen if I freak out again and we fight and there’s no place for me to go anymore if you get tired of this? Between becoming happier than I already am, and possibly coming to resent you and having to leave, I’d rather stay the same.
Of course, he doesn’t say that - because what would be the point in that? It’d just cause a fight and that’s honestly the last thing he wants. Really.
But… there was some truth to the other’s words. He was right. He didn’t know what was out there. And what if he found something good? (or bad?) The thought of heading out…. is intriguing, he admits, but that would mean leaving Diethelm alone and he highly doubts that’s what the other guy wants. And he can’t imagine the other dropping everything to come with him. He had a kid to look after.
"But I do wanna be there. S’ like.. well, I was born there, yaknow? And out of everythin’ I got memories there.” Memories of a person that still burned even now. He hated that part of him, really he did. “I… Well, I don’t think I need to stay there forever but I never really thought about anythin’ past what I was doin’ cos-“
I never thought I’d make it this far, honestly. For all the fighting against dying, I have very little faith in myself, really. Surviving is always a nice surprise, but then I’m left not knowing what to do.
"…But I ain’t sayin’ I don’t wanna be here. ‘Cos I do. But… what use am I here?"
How was he useful here? Other than a bedwarmer and occasional food source, what other purpose did he have here? At least there, he had purpose. A grizly purpose, but it was better than none.